Won't Back Down

This post is to encourage myself more than it is to be enlightening or thought provoking. The past few years have honestly been some of the hardest most heart wrenching years of my life. There has been, of course, the bright spots, the happy moments but in regards to how the overal past few years have been it has honestly felt like hell. I am not saying hell as in cursing but as in a real state of being. It has been easy to ask myself, "God, where are you?" "Why?" "I am a good person, why me, why my family!" In the Bible in the book of Job, Job had to deal with those tough questions as well. After loosing everything that was dear to him he was left to wonder what in the world was going on?

I grew up in a Seventh Day Adventist Family. My parents became Christians when I was very young. Going from weed smoking, drinking, partying lifestyles God saved our family. I am so grateful for the love, the nurture, the admonition and care of my godly parents. Without them I would not be who I am today.God saved my family from the pit of despair and bondage. I have no doubt in my mind that being a follower of Christ is what I am meant to be.

I have been a student missionary, I have been on several out of the countries short mission trips, I have held positions in the church, yet in spite of all of this I struggle. I struggle with forgiveness, I struggle with hate, I stuggle with with myself.

Several years ago my family started working with a self supporting ministry in our Church. Growing up I had very high ideals of this place. I grew up going there and the people seemed almost like saints. When I was given the opportunity to work there I was beyond happy! It seemed so wonderful. Little by little though the raw truth starting to sink in, there were huge problems with the leadership, issues being swept under the rug, myself and others were sexually harrased, workers being treated with little respect and an overal feeling that this place was farther from sainthood than I had originally had anticipated. Then my family, as other families had before us,began being treated really bad. I could not understand how people of my own church, my own religion could act as if they were not Christians. My whole family came under attack. During that time we were going through a possible cancer scare with my Mom and had little emotional support.

Eventually things worsened and my Dad was fired. My brothers had previously left working there with a bitter taste of Christianity in their mouths. After being severally mistreated over my being sexually harrased and seeing how my Dad was unfaily treated I left as well. I can't begin to tell you the bitterness and hatred that started to work its way in my heart. I wanted revenge, I hated, I hurt.

I have had to little by little give the hurt, the pain, the hatred to Christ. I cannot do it on my own. I could feel my heart grow bitter and hateful and I did not want to turn into that. It has been a few years now and the pain has lessend and with time but it is still there. I still struggle with hatred and pain but with Christ's help I keep surrendering it.

During that time some other personal things happened that brought pain to my family as well. Due to the nature of them I cannot share but it was another arrow to our hearts.

Just recently my my family had another loss. My parents foster/adopt and a baby we have had for the past 2 1/2 years was just recently returned to her birth Mom. Caring for that baby had been our highlight during the dark times of tribulation we experienced and now she too is gone.

My heart aches to write all of this but I have determined in my heart that I will not loose my hold, my trust, my anchor to Christ. He has been my all in all and the light at the end of the tunnel. Some moments I have to take them second by second but with His grace He is helping me through the trials and dark valleys of this life.

I am convinced that going through a dark valley does not make you a bad person, it does not make you a sinner, it does not make you any less of a  Christian. It makes you stronger if you hold on to Jesus the Author and Finisher of my faith.


"Won't Back Down"

You woke the morning up
Running off my darkest night
The longest fight I've seen

And here goes a chance I know
Cashing in on all my chips
Let all my ships come fly

These days, a little bit longer than the last
And all of these ways, a little bit stronger than the past
And your light, found my bottle in the night
Gave me second life, you kept me in this fight

And I won't back down
I won't turn around and around
And I won't back down
Doesn't matter what comes crashing down
I'm still gonna stand on solid ground

And you found me once and for all
I laid it down in the sinking ground
The hopeless undertow

Singing out the gentle sound
Rattling through my smoking screens
My broken dreams last night

And these days, a little bit longer than the last
And all of these ways, a little bit stronger than the past
And all of your light, found my bottle in the night
You kept in this fight, you gave me second life

And I won't back down
I won't turn around and around
And I won't back down
Doesn't matter what comes crashing down
I'm still gonna stand on solid ground

And I sing hallelujah ripped through my veins
I heard the hammer drop
My blood in the rain
Sing hallelujah came like a train
When all is lost, all is left to gain

I won't back down
And I won't turn around and around
And I won't back down
Doesn't matter what comes crashing down
I'm still gonna stand on solid

And I won't back down
And I won't turn around and around
And I won't back down
Doesn't matter what comes crashing down
I'm still gonna stand on solid ground

Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Hallelujah...
Sing Hallelujah...
Sing Hallelujah...

 

"Mat Kearney"